June 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, the New England Patriots received their 2014 Super Bowl rings, which featured four diamond-studded Lombardi trophies on the front and the phrases “We Are All Patriots” and “Do Your Job” on each side. Every member of the team received the same ring except for the equipment managers whose rings read “We Are All Patriots” and “Do Your Job, But Keep Very Quiet About It.”

2. Just off of a very busy offseason, which included naming Rex Ryan as their new head coach, the Buffalo Bills set a franchise record by selling more than 57,500 season tickets. Unfortunately, since Ryan will now be on the sidelines, many of those seats have obstructed views.

3. Yesterday, Jeb Bush officially announced his presidential candidacy and unveiled his campaign logo of “Jeb!” Jeb settled on that one because “Bush!” was Bill Clinton’s logo in 1996.

4. According to a leaked document, Pope Francis will make a speech on climate change in which he will say that he believes it is a mostly man-made phenomenon. Which is a giant step forward for the Church, unfortunately the Pope also believes the men responsible are the Jews.

5. On Sunday, David Sweat, one of the still-at-large prisoners who escaped from an upstate New York jail last week, will turn 35. Said Sweat, “I can’t believe I’m 35 already. Where does the time go? Oh, right, jail.”

6. Last week, the Indianapolis Colts hung a “2014 AFC Finalist” banner in its stadium despite losing that game 45-7 to the Patriots and not advancing to the Super Bowl. And, in unrelated news, Germany has hung a “World War II participant” banner.

7. A firearm accidentally discharged during a weekend wedding at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Let’s hope, for the sake of the bride and the groom, that that was the only accidentally discharge on their wedding night.

8. Federal prosecutors on Friday petitioned a judge to keep secret their evidence in the case against former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who pleaded not guilty on Tuesday. Said Hastert, “In my experience, the best way to get a person to keep a secret is to pay them $3 million.”

9. According to a new study, women who take part in exercise, diet programs or a combination of the two during pregnancy can prevent excessive weight gain. So, good luck bringing that up with your pregnant wife.

10. On Monday, Jeb Bush officially launched his campaign for president. Which is great news for Bush fans and terrible news for Iraq.

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