June 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The mother of Rachel Dolezal, the head of Spokane, Washington’s chapter of the NAACP, claims that her daughter is lying about being black, noting that Rachel’s Montana birth certificate says she was born to two “caucasian” parents. Further proof that she’s white, her Montana birth certificate said she was born in Montana.

2. In a recent interview with CNN, former President Bill Clinton opened up about his marriage to Hillary. In fact, he used the words “open” and “marriage” a lot.

3. Last week was the annual Congressional baseball game, pitting Democratic politicians against Republicans. During which the spectators in attendance gave the most truthful rendition of the line “I don’t care if I ever get back” in baseball history.

4. Three astronauts returned to Earth last week from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Which is a long time, but I can relate because I sat through all of “Interstellar.”

5. A man in China reportedly broke his penis after falling off the back of a taxi scooter while watching porn on his phone. Luckily for the taxi driver, the man had already given him his tip.

6. “Jurassic World” claimed the #1 spot in the box office over the weekend. The movie tells the tale of misfortune and disaster that results from bringing back a once extinct race … oh, no, sorry, that’s the story of Rick Perry’s 2016 presidential campaign.

7. Actor John Stamos, of “Full House” fame, was arrested Saturday night on suspicious of driving under the influence. While in jail, for a change, Stamos was the one yelling “uncle.”

8. The girlfriend of the world’s first successful penis transplant is reportedly pregnant. Said the girlfriend, “You’ve created a monster!!!”

9. Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero unveiled his plans to perform the first human head transplant, saying he believes he has a 90% chance of success. Said Dr. Canavero, “‘Sucess” means ‘murder,’ right?”

10. Rocker Marilyn Manson was given a lifetime achievement prize at Britain’s Kerrang! Awards. In what I can only assume is an ingenious ploy to get Manson to call it a lifetime and stop making music.

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