10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said if he’s elected he will roll-back President Obama’s executive orders that loosened the country’s immigration policy. Said immigrants, “If you’re elected, we’re no longer interested in immigrating.”

2. A New York ice cream shop introduced Kanye West inspired treats in honor of the rapper’s 38th birthday. And, much like the rapper’s career, if you get too much too quickly, if goes right to your head.

3. In a recent interview, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong compared himself to Lord Voldemort the villain in Harry Potter. Which isn’t true, because if Voldemort got diagnosed with testicular cancer I bet there would be at least a few people hoping he beats it.

4. On Wednesday, J. Crew laid-off roughly 10% of its workforce. But, on the plus-side, those employees definitely have the shorts to go with their pink slips.

5. On Sunday night, police in riot gear were called in after a melee erupted as attendees to a hip-hop concert in New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium tried to forcefully enter without tickets. Security personnel for the stadium, which is home to the New York Jets, needed extra help because they were not used to people rushing to get into the stadium.

6. The Danish government has proposed a bill that by 2016 could make Denmark the first cashless country in the world. Of course, people will still be able to use cash to buy essential goods like medical care, postage stamps and plane tickets out of Denmark.

7. A U.S. court revived a lawsuit accusing Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and others of violating telemarketing laws by sending millions of prerecorded phone messages to advertise the 2012 movie “Last Ounce of Courage.” Which I assume is a movie about sitting through a prerecorded phone message from Mike Huckabee.

8. In a speech last week, Ray Kurzweil, the director of engineering at Google, said that humans will be hybrids, part man, part machine, by 2030. “I can’t wait to have a human part,” said Mitt Romney.

9. Toy company Mattel has unveiled its new line of Fashionista Barbies which consists of 23 different dolls with eight different skin tones. “Yeah, it wasn’t Barbie’s skin tone that turned me off,” said Ken.

10. In a recent interview, Victoria Beckham said the Spice Girls were originally named the Spicy Girls, but changed it after discovering a porn site bearing pictures of naked women with the same name. I’m just guessing, but I bet Sporty was the one who ‘found’ the site with the naked ladies.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.