1. Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said if he’s elected he will roll-back President Obama’s executive orders that loosened the country’s immigration policy. Said immigrants, “If you’re elected, we’re no longer interested in immigrating.”
2. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton joined Instagram. Said Bill, “I’m screwed when she finds out about Tinder.”
3. A New York ice cream shop introduced Kanye West inspired treats in honor of the rapper’s 38th birthday. And, much like the rapper’s career, if you get too much too quickly, if goes right to your head.
4. Apple has announced that the new iPhone software update will feature an app that can keep track of how often people have sex. And, in unrelated news, Paris Hilton’s phone exploded.
5. According to a new study, chimpanzees in Western Africa will drink wine if given the opportunity. And, it should be noted, that a nice, full-bodied red pairs best with throwing one’s own feces.
6. In a recent interview, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong compared himself to Lord Voldemort the villain in Harry Potter. Which isn’t true, because if Voldemort got diagnosed with testicular cancer I bet there would be at least a few people hoping he beats it.
7. Russian President Vladimir Putin met with Pope Francis this week in Vatican City. Bringing together the two men who say the phrase “Say your prayers” the most.
8. The White House on Thursday said it would have details soon on a new policy change regarding how the U.S. government handles Americans taken hostage abroad. “Hurry up!” said hostages.
9. Yesterday, Twitter CEO Dick Costolo stepped down amid pressure from investors. So now your best bet is Grindr if you’re looking for some dick online.
10. BlackBerry is apparently considering equipping an upcoming smartphone with Google’s Android software for the first time. It’s perfect if you’ve always wanted an Android phone but don’t want it to work well.
11. At least two Apple retail store workers complained directly to CEO Tim Cook that the company’s policy of checking retail employees’ bags for stolen iPhones as a security precaution is embarrassing and demeaning. “Wanna trade jobs?” said the kids who make the phones.
12. Michelle Kwan, the two-time Olympic figure skating medalist, has joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign as a full-time and permanent staffer. Because, I assume, Hillary’s campaign slogan is “Hey, remember the 90’s?”
13. Google and Levi’s are teaming up to make digitally connected clothing that allow wearers to silence their phones by swiping through their jeans. But, on the downside, if you pee your pants you electrocute yourself.
14. In a recent interview, Victoria Beckham said the Spice Girls were originally named the Spicy Girls, but changed it after discovering a porn site with the same name. “Yeah, we didn’t want to be associated with such an embarrassment,” said the porn site.