June 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, J. Crew laid-off roughly 10% of its workforce. But, on the plus-side, those employees definitely have the shorts to go with their pink slips.

2. Michelle Kwan, the two-time Olympic figure skating medalist, has joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign as a full-time and permanent staffer. Not to be outdone, Jeb Bush has hired Jeff Gillooly.

3. Michelle Kwan, the two-time Olympic figure skating medalist, has joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign as a full-time and permanent staffer. Which is a great match, because Kwan was an ice queen and Hillary is a stone-cold bitch.

4. The manuscript for the upcoming, unpublished “Fifty Shades of Grey” novel was stolen on Tuesday in London. Although I get the sense, if and when the culprit is caught, he’s gonna like whatever punishment we give him.

5. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush on Wednesday explained a shake-up of his political team, saying he was trying to ensure that his staff all had roles suited to their skill sets. Wish explains why George W’s new title is “Official Campaign Crayon-er.”

6. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield recently said that the goal of creating democracy in Iraq was “unrealistic” and that he was “concerned” when he first heard the idea floated by President George W. Bush. But that was due to Bush’s inability to pronounce the word “democracy.”

7. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly making a movie about their lives. “Code Red! I repeat, we have a Code Red!” said the people at the Razzies.

8. The manhunt for the two inmates who escaped from an upstate New York prison earlier this week expanded to Vermont yesterday. I’m beginning to think we’re dealing with criminal masterminds, because I can’t think of a better place for two white guys to blend in than Vermont.

9. It was announced yesterday that during the next season of the long-running show “the Simpsons,” Homer and Marge will be legally separated. “Did someone say my name?” said cartoon Gloria Allred.

10. Mr. T is coming out with a new home improvement show. In it, Mr. T tells homeowners their houses would be much improved if they let him crash on their couch for like two or three weeks.

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