June 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a speech last week, Ray Kurzweil, the director of engineering at Google, said that humans will be hybrids, part man, part machine, by 2030. “I can’t wait to have a human part,” said Mitt Romney.

2. Last week, a man played a guitar as he was undergoing brain surgery. Although it was kinda unprofessional when he opened it up for requests and the doctors chose “Stairway to Heaven.”

3. Saturday afternoon, two convicted murderers escaped from a maximum security prison in upstate New York by cutting through a steel wall and following a series of tunnels until they emerged from a manhole outside the prison walls. Police have brought in Raquel Welsh for questioning.

4. On Saturday, Buckingham Palace released four photos of the new royal baby, Princess Charlotte. It appears she has her mother’s eyes, her father’s nose and her great-grandmother’s bladder control.

5. Toy company Mattel has unveiled its new line of Fashionista Barbies which consists of 23 different dolls with eight different skin tones. “Yeah, it wasn’t Barbie’s skin tone that turned me off,” said Ken.

6. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the Belmont Stakes becoming the first horse in 36 years to capture horse racing’s triple crown. So, if in a couple weeks, your bottle of Elmer’s glue is extra sticky, you’ll know why.

7. Just a week after the international soccer scandal broke, the first screening of the FIFA-funded film “United Passions” premiered in Los Angeles to just two movie-goers. “Wow, how’d you get two people to see your film?” said the makers of “Aloha.”

8. A San Diego judge ordered a mental competency hearing for Peter Robbins, who, as a kid, voiced Charlie Brown, after a series of outbursts during a hearing on Friday. Said Robbins, “I only yelled because, at the last second, you kept pulling my bail back.”

9. Pope Francis has asked reporters who don’t pray to at least send him “good vibrations.” Aren’t you the fucking Pope? Isn’t that your job? Don’t you have a direct line?

10. In a recent interview, Victoria Beckham said the Spice Girls were originally named the Spicy Girls, but changed it after discovering a porn site bearing pictures of naked women with the same name. I’m just guessing, but I bet Sporty was the one who found the site.

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