June 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was paying a former student to keep quiet about allegations of sexual abuse from the time Hastert was a teacher and wrestling coach at an Illinois high school. Which is weird, because that school didn’t even have a wrestling team.

2. A Muslim woman has claimed she was the victim of discrimination aboard a U.S. flight after being refused an unopened can of soda by a flight attendant who told her it could be used “as a weapon.” Although, if if was a can of Mountain Dew, if could arguable do more damage when opened.

3. In an interview that aired Sunday on CBS’s “Face the Nation,” Jeb Bush said the U.S. should embed some U.S. soldiers with Iraqi forces to train them and identify targets. Bush wants to send troops into Iraq? I’m getting the strangest sense of deja vu.

4. According to sources, former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee on Wednesday will announce his intentions to run for president in 2016. Of course, the man he derives his name from is remembered for his stovepipe hat, beard and freeing the slaves, whereas Chafee will not be remembered.

5. In response to the current widespread bird-flu outbreak, Indiana is training 300 prisoners to kill infected chickens. Said the inmates, “It’s true what they say, it doesn’t ever feel like work if you’re truly doing what you love.”

6. The Neverland ranch in California once owned by the late pop star Michael Jackson is currently on sale for $100 million. If those walls could talk, they’d probably need a lot of therapy.

7. Over the weekend, the earthquake thriller “San Andreas” took first place in the box office raking in over $53 million. The last high-profile movie that revolved a disaster was any Charlie Sheen film.

8. Over the weekend, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley announced his candidacy for president in 2016. Making him the perfect candidate if you want the entire country to be run more like Baltimore.

9. A former FIFA executive accused of soliciting bribes in the corruption case brought by the U.S., unknowingly cited to an farcical article in the satirical newspaper “the Onion” to defend his position. “Wait, ‘the Onion’ isn’t real?” said Brian Williams.

10. On a recent episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” psychic John Edwards told Kim that, despite her efforts, she would not get pregnant again. And I have never wanted to believe in psychics more.

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