May 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. That’s outrageous, that’s, at best, a Sasha offer.

2. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. “You could do a lot worse than a lawyer born in Kenya,” said Michelle.

3. A California auction house is selling an early racist drawing by Dr. Seuss for $20,000. But, in the famed author’s defense, there are only so many words that rhyme with ‘bigger.’

4. Yesterday, a molestation claim made by choreographer Wade Robson against Michael Jackson was dismissed. So Michael Jackson’s sterling reputation remains intact.

5. On Thursday, while giving a speech at the U.N., former President Bill Clinton said the CDC told him he was “officially Ebola-free” after a recent trip to Liberia. But they’re still waiting on the reports to determine which STDs Liberia caught from Bill.

6. Yesterday, it was announced that FIFA 16, the latest installment of the world’s most popular soccer video game, will feature women’s teams for the first time ever. Because the people in charge of PR for that game have the worst timing ever.

7. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

8. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Which is ironic, because when I typed their names into my computer for this joke, my spell-check exploded.

9. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

10. Real estate mogul and potential 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump said he will make a major announcement on June 16. But, up until then, since he is still a private citizen, Trump hopes the media respects his wishes and covers him non-stop.

11. The Maryland “free-range” parents have been cleared of child neglect charges related to an incident in December in which their children, ages 6 and 10, were allowed to walk home alone from a playground over a mile away from their house. “Slow down! Now, where are these ‘free-range’ kids?” said Jerry Sandusky.

12. 73-year-old presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is selling a bumper sticker that reads “Honk for a political revolution.” And, then in smaller print, “Or if I left my left blinker is on again.”

13. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. Scientists determined this by looking up the definition of the word ‘exercise.’

14. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. So, great news, that old guy in the gym locker room who refuses to cover up, he’s gonna be around for a long time.

15. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. The couple is surviving by some pretty pissed off people.

16. WalMart is urging its meat suppliers to reduce their use of antibiotics. Said WalMart customers, “We’re already eating meat we bought at a WalMart, so really what’s the difference?”

17. The Dutch government on Friday agreed to introduce a ban on the wearing of the full-face veil, popular among Islamic women, in public places. Except for you Karen, you can keep wearing it.

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