May 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.S. Department of Justice indicted nine high-ranking FIFA soccer officials on federal corruption charges. Proving if America can’t be the best at something it will just find another way to win.

2. German Chancellor Angela Merkel topped the Forbes list of the world’s 100 most powerful women for the fifth year in a row. Coming in last, Angela Merkel’s stylist.

3. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans support President Obama’s new trade deals. That story again, a majority of Americans will answer a poll on a subject they know absolutely nothing about.

4. Wearable fitness training device maker Fitbit is being sued by rival Jawbone for allegedly stealing confidential information. But, if I know that industry, I bet at first Jawbone will be really excited about the lawsuit, then lose interest and, in about a year, find it under a bunch of junk in a drawer.

5. Apple says it has found a bug that causes iPhones to crash. Oh Apple, trying to make a phone call isn’t ‘a bug.’

6. California scientists are testing whether the illegal psychoactive drug known as Ecstasy could kelp alleviate anxiety for patients near death. So far it’s just led to a lot of confusion among terminal ill patients who go towards the light only to discover that it’s yet another glow-stick.

7. A Florida community college under fire for allowing female sonography students to perform vaginal probes on one another as part of their class instruction said it will cease the practice. So now, if you want to vaginally probe a community college student, you’ll have to go to a strip club like the rest of us.

8. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has added a slew of new words recently including ‘emoji,’ ‘clickbait’ and ‘meme.’ As a result, it has also amended the definition of the word ‘dictionary’ to “a useless collection of nonsense.”

9. Yesterday, Nebraska became the first conservative state to outlaw the death penalty in 40 years. The state legislature did away with capital punishment after realizing they had a penalty much worse than death at their disposal, forcing criminals to live the rest of their lives in Nebraska.

10. According to a new study, babies who live at high altitudes may be more susceptible to sudden infant death syndrome. Which may explain why Casey Anthony just bought a house on top of Mount Everest.

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