1. Three-term Arizona Democratic Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick said on Tuesday she will seek to oust Republican John McCain from his U.S. Senate seat in 2016. “Not if I beat you to it,” said Father Time.
2. Four advertisers pulled out of TLC’s reality show “19 Kids and Counting” after reports that the eldest Duggar son, Josh, molested underaged girls. Said Mr. and Mrs. Duggar, “What does ‘pulled out’ mean?”
3. Amid a tough restructuring plan, Malaysian Airlines is set to layoff approximately 6,000 employees. Or, as it was reported to those employees, congratulations you won a free flight on Malaysian Airlines.
4. A “sophisticated” organized crime syndicate used the IRS website to steal personal financial information from over 100,000 taxpayers. But, joke’s on you, I didn’t file my taxes this year.
5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton launched her online campaign store which sells many items, including a throw pillow that reads “A Woman’s Place is in the White House” on the front. Of course, the back of pillow says, “Unless You Used to be the CEO of HP.”
6. The Cleveland police department has agreed to train officers to minimize racial bias under a deal struck with the Department of Justice after a pattern of abuses was detailed in a report last year. The new training seminar is entitled, “Have you considered shooting a Mexican?”
7. According to a new study, waiting to cut the umbilical cord after birth is tied to better the child having motor and social skills later in life. Or, as it is more commonly known, having a Jewish mother.
8. Jeb Bush hit back against President Obama’s claim that climate change runs an immediate risk, saying last week that while it shouldn’t be ignored, it’s still not “the highest priority.” And, as everyone knows, we should always wait to act on something until it is the highest priority, or, as it is more commonly known, too late.
9. In a recent interview, Pope Francis said he hasn’t watched tv in decades. Said the Pope, “Once Fonzie jumped that shark, I was out.”
10. Starting June 1st, people will be able to buy domain names ending in “dot porn.” Because some enterprising young go-getter looked at the internet and thought “it needs more porn.”