May 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor George Clooney said when he proposed to his wife Amal he was down on his knees for 28 minutes. But that’s only because he left his Life Alert bracelet at home.

2. Former New England Patriot and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez showed up in court on Thursday sporting a new neck tattoo that was just visible above his shirt collar. Man, that guy it terrible at covering things up.

3. Li Hejun, the chairman of solar panel firm Hanergy lost $15 billion on Wednesday when his company underperformed and saw its stock price plummet by 47%. Which I assume is the same feeling the owner of the New York Jets has every Sunday.

4. Twelve of thirty people who worked on Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina’s failed 2010 California Senate campaign said they would not work for her again because they weren’t paid for more than four years. “Not paying the debts you owe, sounds like she’ll make a great president,” said China.

5. Cleveland’s LeBron James, Golden State’s Stephen Curry and Houston’s James Harden were among the the players selected to the All-NBA team on Thursday. And, in other news, the Knicks are also a team.

6. An Arizona woman was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison on Thursday for running over her husband with the family car because he failed to vote in the 2012 presidential election. “Well, there goes another one of my supporters,” said Ted Cruz.

7. German police detained a 25-year-old prostitute for keeping a three-week-old lamb as a pet in a Munich brothel. She reportedly kept the lamb to make the place smell better.

8. The Girl Scouts of America reaffirmed their position that transgender girls are welcome to join the organization. So, just a heads up, that may not be a sleeve of thin mints in that girl scout’s front pocket.

9. Former Tennessee Titan Ryan Mouton claims he once had an on-field exchange with Aaron Hernandez that resulted in the then-New England patriot tight end threatening to kill him. Mouton said he didn’t take the threat seriously because he knew Hernandez wouldn’t be able to find the time to do so since he was busy murdering so many other people.

10. Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said last week that “men who father children with many different women are sexual predators.” “And potential VP candidates,” said John Edwards.

11. A Taco Bell in Chicago will reportedly start selling alcohol. It’s all part of that store’s plan to make it harder to determine which part of the meal gave you the shits.

12. A 12-pound package of marijuana washed up on a North Caroline beach last week. That story again, there are a bunch of narcs living near the beach in North Carolina.

13. A new app lets cannabis users looking for someone to share a joint with find like-minded smokers around the world. “Thanks!” said cops.

14. Last week, potential 2010 presidential candidate Jeb Bush criticized Hillary Clinton by saying, “You can’t script your way into the presidency.” Adding, “You have to be born into it.”

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