May 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reversed course and now says he no longer supports a pathway to citizenship for undocumented aliens. And people around Christie new he was reversing his position because they heard a loud beeping noise.

2. New reports show, while the Apple Watch retails for $349 and up, it costs just $84 to make. Which breaks down to $84 for parts and $0 for labor.

3. An Australian man has been ordered to undergo counseling after he was convicted of having sex with a pony for the second time. Even weirder, it’s couples counseling.

4. The first debate among Republicans seeking their party’s 2016 presidential nomination is scheduled for August 6th in Cleveland, but will only be open to candidates who have placed in the top 10 of recent national polls. But, on the plus-side, if you don’t make the cut, you don’t have to go to Cleveland.

5. According to a new study, the rate at which infants are suffering from opiate withdrawal upon birth is on the rise. Well that’s a simple fix, give those kids some opium.

6. The International Gay Rodeo was held in Arkansas last month. Which is either a giant step forward in tolerance in a historically conservative Bible-belt state or a pretty insensitive way to round-up all the gays.

7. Police in Washington state said on Wednesday they had responded to an emergency call about a Bengal tiger lounging on top of a car, but it turned out the cat was actually a big stuffed animal. “Oh, so sometimes people do call the authorities when an animal is on a car roof!?!” said Mitt Romney’s dog.

8. A British concert pianist whose autobiography was banned, will now be allowed to publish the book after the Supreme Court overturned the ban on Wednesday. So now you can finally experience all the excitement of being a concert pianist in book-form.

9. Texas Governor Rick Perry said, knowing what he knows now, he never would have invaded Iraq. Especially, since before, Perry was confusing Iraq with Ikea.

10. A sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has been put on probation and fined $15,000 for serving whale meat. Even more disgusting for their L.A. clientele, it had gluten in it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.