May 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Chinese businessman has reportedly spent $8 million to hire a Japanese porn star to be his personal assistant for the next fifteen years. Funny story about the first time he asked her to ‘take a dictation.’

2. According to reports, 250,000 Americans are married to people who are their second cousins or closer. But, on the plus side, there’s no need for a family dog since all their kids have tails.

3. Bristol Palin has called off her wedding to 2011 Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer less than a week before the big day. Proving that quitting on things mid-stream runs in the family.

4. A surprising number of small companies around the world are vying to be the first to bring flying cars to the market, targeting the year 2017. Which means, in just two years, you may here the phrase, “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s a Nissan Altima.”

5. On Tuesday, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter proposed a peace soccer match between Palestine and Israel. Because if there’s on thing soccer fans are known for it’s their level headedness.

6. A new survey found that Washington D.C. is the fittest city in the United States. The least fit city, wherever Chris Christie is campaigning that day.

7. Brain-eating amoebas have been discovered in the tap water of the city of New Orleans. Say what you will, but you gotta give it up to water for finding new and creative ways to kill the people of New Orleans.

8. 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is heavily courting the millennial vote. Which explains why she recently opened up a Facebook account and immediately changed her relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

9. Last week, the stock price of Netflix rose to over $600 per share. Which is just $575 more than what it costs to open a Blockbuster franchise today.

10. Google will begin testing self-driving cars on public roads, but, despite previous reports, those cars will have steering wheels and brakes. Or, as Billy Joel refers to them, add-ons.

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