May 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Retired tennis player Bob Hewitt was sentenced to six years in a South African prison on Monday after being convicted on charges of sexual assault and rape. “Ew, gross, tennis,” said Bill Cosby.

2. Clothing company Under Armor is apologizing and pulling from store shelves a t-shirt that depicts basketball players raising a hoop in the style of the famous photo of Marines lifting the American flag during the battle of Iwo Jima. Which means, once again, the most offensive piece of clothing you can buy is any Ed Hardy shirt.

3. A source close to John Kasich said on Sunday that the Ohio governor is “very likely” to run for president in 2016. The source chose to remain anonymous as that will be the theme of Kasich’s campaign.

4. On Saturday, Syracuse freshman Justyn Knight captured the ACC title in the 1,500 meter race despite finishing the race with just one shoe. Running a race with one shoe or, as it’s referred to in Kenya, a luxury.

5. A U.S. appeals court ruled on Monday that Google does not have to remove an anti-Islam film from its YouTube website because a woman complained that she was duped into performing in the film that depicted the Prophet Mohammed as a pedophile. I feel bad for the actress and even worse for the courtroom sketch artist when Mohammed took the stand.

6. The World Bank said on Monday that one in seven people around the world live without electricity. Which isn’t all bad news, because at least those people don’t have to deal with Time Warner.

7. A resort in Mexico has opened the world’s first underwater bar. “Second,” said the ghosts of Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne.

8. On Monday, President Obama officially joined Twitter selecting the handle @POTUS. A moniker that was already registered, forcing the President to buy it from Hillary.

9. According to new research, obesity rates among children entering kindergarten in the U.S. have increased since 1998. Although that trend is expected to stop since at some point those kids will become too large to physically enter kindergarten.

10. At a commencement speech over the weekend, George W. Bush told college graduates that even C students can become president. Bush then clarified that he meant C, as in the letter, and not the Spanish word for ‘yes.’

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