May 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 140th Preakness Stakes, the second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. Although, in reality, all the horses were losers because, when the race was over, they were still in Baltimore.

2. According to recently released financial documents, Hillary and Bill Clinton have made more than $30 million since January 2014. The distinction of who earned what part of that sum was easy to make since Bill always demands to be paid in singles.

3. On Friday, police in Lake Mary, Florida said a man accused of firing a gun into George Zimmerman’s truck last week had been taken into custody. And, I assume, given a medal of honor.

4. Former Tennessee Titan Ryan Mouton claims he once had an on-field exchange with Aaron Hernandez that resulted in the then-New England patriot tight end threatening to kill him. Mouton also alleges that Tom Brady once threatened to deflate him.

5. Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said last week that “men who father children with many different women are sexual predators.” “Thanks, but I think we’ll stick with our current motto of ‘Where Amazing Happens,’” said a rep for the NBA.

6. A blind pole vaulter earned third place in the Texas state high school championships over the weekend. And, it’s even more impressive when you hear that she did the leap with her guide dog.

7. High school senior Ronald Nelson was accepted into all eight Ivy League schools but chose to attend the University of Alabama instead. Because, according to Nelson, he always had a thing for his first-cousin.

8. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham is set to make a “very important” announced this morning about his future and his intentions in 2016. You’re a guy from the South, named Lindsey, who has a very prominent lisp, no need to tell us Lindsey, everyone already knows.

9. Asked by ABC News in an interview how he would answer if a young person asked him if the allegations against him were true, embattled comedian Bill Cosby said he was, “prepared to tell this young person the truth about life.” But, first, cocktails!

10. Xavier Bettel, Luxembourg’s prime minister married his civil partner on Friday, becoming the first serving leader in the European Union to wed someone of the same sex. Your move, Merkel.

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