1. This week, Dr. Oz helped some people who were in a car crash on a New Jersey highway. He helped by using his phone to call a real doctor.
2. On Sunday, 94-year-old Anthony Brutto graduated from West Virginia University seventy-six years after he enrolled as a freshman in 1939. I hope he finds a job because I don’t think moving into his parent’s basement is an option.
3. Yesterday, Verizon bought AOL for $4.4 billion because it’s still illegal to actually set money on fire.
4. Kim Kardashian has been criticized for using too much water on her front lawn during the ongoing drought in California. And, of course, people are also criticizing her for the amount of oil she’s been using on her ‘backyard.’
5. One of Kanye West’s ex-girlfriends recently accused him of using ghostwriters to come up with his music. “That’s not 100% true. When I wrote ’Niggas in Paris’ I never thought of setting it to music,” said Paula Deen.
6. The Word Health Organization is advising scientists to stop naming diseases after people. Which is good news for patient zeros and great news for those scientists’ ex-wives.
7. Scientists have discovered a way to return sight to blind mice. It was actually a simple fix, they just stopped showing the mice pictures of Star Jones in a bikini.
8. Vienna has installed new gay-themed traffic lights ahead of the annual Eurovision Song Contest. The switch is causing confusion on the roads and a lot more rear-end collisions.
9. George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of murder charges in the 2012 shooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Florida, suffered a minor wound after being shot at in his vehicle on Monday. That’s terrible, are your sure he was only slightly wounded?
10. On Friday, President Obama completed his goal of visiting all fifty states while in office by making a stop in South Dakota. Said Obama, “Okay, now let’s get the fuck outta here.”