May 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican Jeb Bush reversed course on Thursday and said that based on information now known, had it been up to him, he would not have waged war against Iraq. But be sure to check in tomorrow.

2. Republican Jeb Bush reversed course on Thursday and said that based on information now known, had it been up to him, he would not have waged war against Iraq. But he’s still on the fence about Vietnam.

3. California parents who do not vaccinate their children would have to home-school them under a bill passed Thursday by the state Senate. And I feel pretty safe in assuming that there won’t be a whole lot of science taught in those homes.

4. According to a new study of high school students, pregnancies are more common among lesbian and gay youths than among their heterosexual counterparts. So, I’m pretty sure they’re doing it wrong.

5. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio gave a speech where he said he refers to the movie ‘Taken’ when thinking about how to deal with terrorists. And, on the sensitive topic of peace in the Middle East, Rubio turns to the wisdom of ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’

6. This week, Dr. Oz helped some people who were in a car crash on a New Jersey highway. He helped by using his phone to call a real doctor.

7. Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush has denied claims that he once scolded an employee for choosing to attend his child’s birth over a company event. Said Musk, “That’s just not true, it was the kid’s funeral.”

8. In a recent interview, former Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre said he did not think Tom Brady’s actions in Deflategate constituted cheating. “Yeah, he’s got a really loose definition of that word,” said Favre’s wife.

9. President Pierre Nkurunziza returned to Burundi on Thursday after the army chief declared that an attempted coup staged when the east African leader was abroad had failed. Said the army chief, “So, how was your vacation?”

10. In a recent interview with ‘the Washington Post,’ Bill Clinton said he does not plan on doing any campaigning for Hillary in 2015. So if he says he “did some polling,” you’ll know exactly what he means.

11. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. And also if Carly Fiorina wins.

12. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, who was convicted last month of murdering an acquaintance in 2013, was charged on Monday with the non-fatal shooting of a man believed to be a witness to another murder of which Hernandez is accused. Although, I’m a little skeptical that Hernandez is the culprit in this crime since the victim lived.

13. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate and famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson said the Supreme Court’s role in government is “an open question [that] needs to be discussed.” “Good lord!” said everyone who ever let him operate on their brain.

14. According to a new poll, Americans with health insurance under Obamacare, including Republicans, are generally satisfied with it. While those who unsatisfied are’t really ‘around’ to vote.

15. A Florida couple was arrested last week after bribing their teenage daughters to do their chores and homework with cocaine. But, in their defense, they were all out of meth.

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