May 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Starbucks announced that criminals have been using the company’s mobile app to steal money from customers’ credit cards and bank accounts. “Robbing coffee-drinkers is kinda our thing,” said Starbucks.

2. On Sunday, 94-year-old Anthony Brutto graduated from West Virginia University seventy-six years after he enrolled as a freshman in 1939. I hope he finds a job because I don’t think moving into his parent’s basement is an option.

3. Speaking in Nevada on Wednesday, Jeb Bush appeared to unintentionally announced his candidacy for president in 2016. Even more embarrassing, he also unintentionally announced his plans to immediately invade Iraq.

4. WalMart is planning to test a new unlimited online shipping service this summer for $50 per year. Begging the question, how do you deliver something to a mobile home?

5. Ride-sharing company Sidecar has expanded its services to include door-to-door medical marijuana deliveries to customers in San Francisco. That story again, a weed delivery service may also give you a ride somewhere.

6. According to a new study, men prefer sex from 6 AM to 9 AM while women prefer sex from 11 PM to 2 AM. While Bill Cosby prefers it right after happy hour.

7. According to U.S prosecutors, the Ironman Triathlon race illegally charged athletes for the chance to compete in the competition. The last time anyone paid for the right to puke that much, they made the bad decision of eating at Guy Fieri’s restaurant.

8. Singer Justin Bieber will be the cover model on an upcoming issue of ‘Seventeen’ magazine. “I’m buying this for my daughter,” said pedophiles practicing in the mirror.

9. Actor Morgan Freeman supported marijuana use in a recent interview by saying “I’ll eat it, drink it, smoke it, snort it.” Begging the question, when would you ever have to snort marijuana?

10. According to research, having sex more often can make people feel miserable due to a lack of spontaneity and desire. Although, that just kinda sounds like a bunch of nerdy scientists trying to make themselves feel better.

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