May 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the NFL suspended New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady for four games for his role in Deflategate and took two draft picks away from the team. A starting quarterback who fails to show up for the first four games and completely wasting two draft picks, or, as New York Jets fans refer to it, a completely normal season.

2. Lawyers for the Boston Marathon bomber on Monday wrapped up their case with testimony from a nun who said Dzhokhar Tsarnaev told her “no one deserves to suffer” as his victims had. “I can think of at least one person,” said the jury.

3. According to a report on Monday, during his first few years in office, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie racked up a big tab on food, drinks and desserts entertaining guests in luxury boxes at sporting events. Also, there were no guests.

4. Vienna has installed new gay-themed traffic lights ahead of the annual Eurovision Song Contest. The switch is causing confusion on the roads and a lot more rear-end collisions.

5. George Zimmerman was involved in a shooting incident on a Florida highway on Monday. Which is weird, it’s practically summer, who’s wearing hoodies now?

6. George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of murder charges in the 2012 hooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Florida, suffered a minor wound after being shot at in his vehicle on Monday. That’s terrible, are your sure he was only slightly wounded?

7. Fox announced on Monday that the next season of ‘American Idol’ will be its last. It’s never a good sign when a TV cancellation announcement also serves as a reminder that the show is still on the air.

8. Bangladesh’s Supreme Court on Monday banned the use of their national anthem s a ringtone for mobile telephones or for any other commercial purpose. And, if they think that’s offensive, just wait until they hear a Pitbull song.

9. Over the weekend, WNBA players Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson got married. Unsurprisingly, there was no best man.

10. In a recent interview, Jeb Bush said he would have done the same as his brother in deciding to go to war in Iraq if he had been president at the time. Proving that Jeb doesn’t know the definition of the word “distancing.”

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