May 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A diamond-covered gold Cartier watch valued at more than $100,000 was accidentally left at a Newark Liberty International Airport security checkpoint on Tuesday. Said the owner of the misplaced timepiece, “If I have to go back to New Jersey to claim the watch, it’s not worth it.”

2. On Thursday, a federal appeals court ruled that the NSA spying program that systematically collected millions of Americans’ phone records is illegal. So, hope you enjoy Russia, federal judges.

3. According to a new study, people who have crooked noses are more likely to have a face whose two sides don’t quite match up. So don’t be so self-conscious, people with crooked noses, I bet no one even notices your nose considering how fucked up the rest of your face is.

4. The opera “La Traviata” will be streamed live and free of charge worldwide from the stage at Madrid’s Teatro Real today. Because getting to the opera is the one reason I don’t watch the opera.

5. The opera “La Traviata” will be streamed live and free of charge worldwide from the stage at Madrid’s Teatro Real today. So you can either watch that or Christina Aguilera YouTube videos if you wanna see a fat lady sing.

6. In support of his struggling music-streaming service, rapper Jay-Z announced he will be putting on a concert later this month exclusively for Tidal subscribers. Jay-Z reportedly got the idea for a concert for Tidal customers from last week’s White Sox-Orioles game that was played in front of an empty stadium.

7. A South Florida man is suing a hospital for emotional distress, saying his leg was amputated and then thrown in the garbage. Even worse, he came in for a tonsillectomy.

8. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And, truth be told, he probably has a better chance with Teddy.

9. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. Said the women’s husbands, “I’m not sure we really need to stand behind them, looks like they already have all the support they need.”

10. At an IT conference in San Francisco last week, Microsoft announced that it will replace it’s popular Internet Explorer with a new browser called “Microsoft Edge” later this year. So expect to get a confused phone call from your parents in a few months about the internet missing.

11. The Duggar family of “19 Kids and Counting” is endorsing Mike Huckabee for president. And, even though the race for the White House is far from over, I think it’s safe to say the race for the least consequential endorsement is in the books.

12. A woman in Virginia has pled guilty to spreading feces on her co-worker’s desk and computer. See, I told you Jane Goodall wasn’t cut out for an office job.

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