May 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, golfer Tiger Woods said he hasn’t slept since his breakup with girlfriend Lindsey Vonn earlier this week. Although, I get the sense he’s still getting pretty good use out of his bed.

2. Under a bill approved Tuesday by the California legislature, companies would no longer have to tell consumers they are recording telephone conversations until 20 seconds into the call. “That’s adorable,” said the NSA.

3. According to a recent World Health Organization projection, Europe will face an obesity crisis of vast proportions by 2030. Although, according to recent pictures of Gerard Depardieu, their calculations may be a little off.

4. A Vienna baker is catching heat for making a cake depicting Austria’s main political parties as New York’s twin towers coming under attack from opposition party aircraft. “Hey, constantly reminding people about 9/11 for profit and personal gain is my thing,” said Rudy Giuliani.

5. A Vienna baker is catching heat for making a cake depicting Austria’s main political parties as New York’s twin towers coming under attack from opposition party aircraft. Even more appalling, the cakes contain gluten.

6. On Tuesday, the Democratic party announced that it will hold six debates during the 2016 primary season before selecting a nominee. Although if I wanted to watch a vaguely feminine person dressed in a pants-suit crush the dreams of a handful of delusional hopefuls for an hour, I’d watch Howard Stern on “America’s Got Talent.”

7. This week, Microsoft unveiled the first ever middle finger emoji. “Great, that will save me a lot of time,” said Chris Christie.

8. New research shows that people come up with their best and most creative material when working alone. “Worked for me!” said Ted Kaczynski.

9. On Tuesday, a woman in a wheelchair won a treadmill on “The Price is Right.” Begging the question, how the hell did she “come on down” in the first place?

10. Former U.S. President Bill Clinton said on Monday he will continue to give paid speeches while his wife, Hillary Clinton, runs for president. Or, at least, that’s where he’ll be telling Hillary he’s been.

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