April 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Finally, someone has made it easy for Leo to get women. Because it was such a struggle before.

2. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Although, I saw ‘the Great Gatsby,’ and if he’s interested in ever getting an Oscar, his best bet is Grindr.

3. According to reports, heavily tattooed wrists can prevent the new Apple Watch from working properly. And I’m assuming those guys can’t wear the watch on their ankles because of the court mandated ankle monitor.

4. According to South Korean intelligence, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has executed 15 senior officials so far this year. You know, with a solid 40 time, he could get drafted today by the Patriots to play tight end.

5. A recent Instagram photo showed the cast of the popular Disney show ‘Lizzie McGuire’ all together for a reunion. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just ended up that way,” said the shift-manager at Applebees.

6. A notorious hacker claims to have devised a technique that will crack the combination to any Master Lock in under two minutes. So congratulations to that criminal mastermind, hope you like dirty gym clothes.

7. Scientists have identified chemical markers in urine that are linked to body mass, offering clues about why obese people are more likely to develop illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, stroke and heart disease. The first clue, their urine is 80% Mountain Dew.

8. On Wednesday, Arkansas Derby winner American Pharaoh was installed as the favorite for this weekend’s 141st Kentucky Derby. Marking the first time in history anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “He’s got a good chance as succeeding, after all, he was a winner in Arkansas.”

9. Budweiser is being criticized for its latest tagline “Bud Light, the perfect beer to remove ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” As is “Yeah, I guess I’ll have a Bud Light.”

10. On Wednesday, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton urged policemen throughout the country to use body cameras. Or, as Bill Clinton heard it, “She’s finally warmed up to the idea of role playing and I can video tape it.”

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