April 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Google said it plans to launch an experimental portal that will allow patent holders to sell their patents to Google. It’s all part of Google’s plan to eventually own everything.

2. A Connecticut teenager who was forced by the state Supreme Court to undergo chemotherapy for her cancer was released on Monday in good health after finishing treatment. The teen celebrated by laying out in the sun and standing too close to the microwave.

3. In a recent interview, Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo” revealed that she’s bisexual. Which is the best example ever of the phrase “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

4. According to a new survey, a round of golf takes too long, keeping golfers on the course and out of their homes away from their families for up to four hours at a time. Said husbands, “Yeah, that’s the point.”

5. On Monday, in an interview with NBC, reality TV star Kim Kardashian pledged her full support for her stepfather Bruce Jenner, who said last week that he identifies as a woman. Said Kim, “I’m just so happy that Bruce spoke up and, as a result, I got more airtime.”

6. During a recent appearance, famed British physicist Stephen Hawking weighed in on Zayn Malik’s recent departure from the boy band One Direction. Said Hawking, “If they’re looking for a replacement, I’m already auto-tuned.”

7. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to serve food 100% free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs for short. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell proudly announced that, from now on, they will only be using 100% organic horse meat.

8. Mary Pat Christie, the wife of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, resigned from her Wall Street job last week, fueling speculation that her husband will make a run at the White House in 2016. Great, just what Christie needs, more dead weight to lug around.

9. In an effort to prevent people from taking apart the new Apple Watch to see how it works, the device was made with chips encased in resin and is held together by very rare screws. Which means for Apple geeks, the new watch is the second hardest thing for them to get into, behind a girl’s pants.

10. France has been disqualified from the equestrian competition in the upcoming 2016 Rio Olympic Games due to a positive drug test result. Officials became suspicious of the horse when, during the jumping event, it ran through, instead of over, every obstacle.

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