April 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The in-house investigators assigned to look into Brian Williams’ past reports have documented at least 10 instances of exaggerations and embellishments. Even worse, before Williams reported on the findings, it was only 6 instances.

2. China is cracking down on the popular trend of hiring strippers to perform at funerals. Said the Chinese government, “There should only be one stiff in the room.”

3. About a dozen Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest movie saying the script was insulting to their people. And by “their people” I assume they meant people with brains.

4. In a recent interview, former Republican Senator Rick Santorum said he would not attend the wedding of a gay friend or loved one. “Why are we the ones being punished?” said Santorum’s straight friends.

5. The new Avengers movie, which premieres in the U.S. this Friday, has already opened overseas and raked in over $200 million. I haven’t seen the movie, I don’t know the plot, but with returns like that I do know one thing for sure, Johnny Depp’s not in it.

6. Last week, a Florida grandmother was arrested for drunk driving while wearing a bikini. But, in her defense, she’s 27.

7. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, I hear in one episode the Swedish Chef shows off his Swedish meatballs.

8. In his recent sit-down interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner revealed that he is transitioning into a woman and is also a Republican. Which means, once Bruce’s transition is complete, it will be yet another case of a old Republican man telling a women what she can and can’t do with her body.

9. According to reports, the aerial view on Google Maps of the remote Pakistani city of Rawalpindi contains an image of the Android robot pissing on an Apple logo. Tech experts called it a “petty move,” while R&B singer R Kelly called it “a waste of perfectly good urine.”

10. Samsung teased the market with hints of its own smartwatch on Friday, the same day that rival Apple’s long-awaited device went on sale. Said Samsung, “We would have released our watch earlier, but we had to wait for Apple to come up with the idea first.”

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