April 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Starbucks announced on Tuesday that it will open up a store in Ferguson, Missouri. As part of its grand opening, the store will run a promotion where any customer who orders a black coffee will be given a free shot … of espresso.

2. According to a new study, Switzerland is the happiest country in the world. While the least happiest country is who ever gets stuck talking to Switzerland.

3. Yesterday, the New York Mets tied a franchise record by winning their eleventh straight game. The team credits their recent run of success to key offseason moves, strong leadership in the clubhouse and playing the Phillies eleven times in a row.

4. On Wednesday, would be presidential assassin John Hinckley Jr. asked a federal court for his “unconditional release” from prison. While pleading for his freedom, Hinckley said he truly believes, if he were alive today, his target Ronald Reagan would be willing to forgive and forget, especially forget.

5. According to a new study, children born to women who suffered severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy are more likely to be diagnosed with neurological disorders. Especially if that morning sickness was the result of heavy drinking the night before.

6. This week, Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy was suspended without pay for the first 10 games for conduct detrimental to the NFL. And that conduct must have been pretty bad since Aaron Hernandez only got five games.

7. Actor Ben Affleck said Tuesday he regretted asking a PBS documentary show profiling his ancestors to not include a relative who owned slaves because he was embarrassed. And this is a man who promoted “Gigli” for three months with a straight face, so you know he doesn’t embarrass easily.

8. A tradition of people mud-wrestling pigs at a Wisconsin church’s summer fundraiser has been halted after 81,000 people signed an online petition over concerns of animal abuse. “I guess we’ll go back to the previous tradition,” said the priest, “someone oil up the altar boys.”

9. Construction workers unearthed 43 dinosaur eggs while doing road repair work in China on Sunday. To see that many unviable eggs in one place, anywhere else in the world, you’d have to watch “the View” weekday mornings on ABC.

10. Over the weekend, French customs seized more than two tons of cocaine aboard a sailboat in the Caribbean. Authorities became suspicious when the sailboat was doing well over 60 mph even though there was no wind.

11. According to reports, presidential candidate Rand Paul’s son, William, received a DUI citation over the weekend. But, in his defense, the Secret Service agent assigned to drive him around was drunker than he was.

12. Paris Hilton’s pet chihuahua Tinkerbell died this week at the age of 14. So I guess Nicky is back to being the brains of the operation.

13. According to a new study, children who learn about preventing sex abuse in school more often report abuse in their own lives than do kids who are not taught about it. “That’s why you gotta home-school,” said Woody Allen.

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