April 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Expected presidential candidate Jeb Bush has lost 20 to 30 pounds on the popular caveman diet. Bush reportedly got the idea while listening to his brother try to string a sentence together.

2. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that it will stage its first ever exhibition game in Africa later this year. It will be called the Inaugural Donald Sterling Nightmare Classic.

3. Japanese jeweler Ginza Tanaka unveiled a gold Darth Vader mask on Wednesday. It’s perfect for the guy who wants to tell his long-lost son that he is his father and is also kind of a douchebag.

4. On Wednesday, police in Utah arrested a 25-year-old man on suspicion of arson after he told officers he lit a brush-fire that burned dozens of acres to signal for help after his car got stuck. Even worse, turns out he just had the parking brake on the whole time.

5. Google will now let users download and export their entire search history. “Looks like I’m a Bing user now,” said married men everywhere.

6. Prostitutes from Nevada’s famous brothel the Moonlight Bunny Ranch have launched a campaign called “Hookers for Hillary.” “See, I told you all my ‘polling’ would pay off,” said Bill.

7. On Tuesday, a Virginia appeals court ruled that the man who donated the sperm that a woman used to impregnate herself with a turkey baster has a legal right to be a part of his son’s life. The court ruled that weekend visitation rights would rotate evenly between the mother, the father and the turkey baster.

8. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Costa Rica that looks exactly like Kermit the Frog. So it looks like Kermit has a little explaining to do to Ms. Piggy since that’s where his bachelor party was.

9. During a Q&A session at the White House on Wednesday, a young girl told First Lady Michelle Obama that she looks great for her age. After which, President Obama was seen slipping the girl some cash.

10. According to the Wall Street Journal, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Florina will launch her campaign for the 2016 U.S. Republican presidential nomination on May 4th. Which hopefully means I can write off those $35 ink cartridges as political donations.

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