April 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. “Secret Garden” an adult coloring book is currently number four on Amazon’s best seller list. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “Who can color at a time like this? Waldo is lost.”

2. According to a new poll, Spirit Airlines ranked last in customer satisfaction. Although, the results were a little bit skewed since most passengers of Malaysian Airlines weren’t able to fill out the questionnaire.

3. It was announced on Monday that Netflix has ordered a new spin-off series of the beloved TV show “Full House” entitled “Fuller House,” which I assume is a reference to Dave Coulier’s current weight.

4. It was announced on Monday that Netflix has ordered a reunion special for the beloved TV show “Full House.” If Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey both attend, it will mark the first time in television history that that many uncles were in one house without having to explain themselves to Chris Hanson.

5. An animal rights group has been granted a court hearing in which it will argue that two chimpanzees who live at a New York state university cannot be held captive because they are autonomous, intelligent creatures. Although, if that state university is SUNY Buffalo, they may want to re-think the “intelligent” part of that argument.

6. Expert suggests that California’s on-going drought may lead to increased prices for denim. So, it looks like Jay Leno may finally have to dip into his Tonight Show money.

7. A man in Britain sent a video of himself having sex with his dog to his girlfriend by accident. Said the apologetic boyfriend, “She means nothing to me. We’re just man’s best friends with benefits.”

8. A Japanese train hit 374 miles per hour on an experimental track in Yamanachi on Tuesday. If put into the use, the train will immediately make rail travel quicker and math problems easier. The two trains will meet right now.

9. On Tuesday, USA Today reported that conservative billionaire Charles Koch is considering giving money to several candidates for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination before settling on a single one. So, if you hate gay people and love free money, you might want to consider running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. On Tuesday, researchers said the brains of babies reacted similarly to adults when exposed to the same painful stimuli, suggesting they feel pain much like adults do. You can read more about the study in this month’s edition of Casey Anthony’s Private Journal of Medicine.

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