April 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A humanoid robot which can mimic human expressions greeted visitors to a Hong Kong electronics fair on Saturday. And, despite your opinions of the man, it was great to see Mitt Romney working again.

2. In a soon to be released book, Elon Musk reveals that he almost sold his multi-billion dollar electric car company Tesla to Google in 2013. Not to be outdone, AskJeeves just put in a very respectable offer on a 1992 Geo Metro.

3. On Monday, a federal judge ruled that the taxi-haling app Uber must face a lawsuit accusing the popular ride-sharing service of discriminating against blind people. Which is ridiculous, because if they didn’t want to drive blind people, instead of refusing, just take them a block and tell them they’re there.

4. Kraft Foods said on Monday that it is revamping its popular macaroni-and-cheese product, removing synthetic colors and preservatives from the boxed dinner. So, apparently, Kraft is now selling an empty box.

5. China is considering a ban on advertisements for infant milk formula in a bid to tackle low levels of breast feeding in the country. Unless your baby is a girl, then they are considering a ban on all types of feeding.

6. On Monday, a U.S. appeals court ruled that Asian-American rock band the Slants, which chose its name as a way to reclaim a term usually considered a racial slur, cannot trademark its name because it is disparaging. “What if you’re the reason your band name is now a disparaging term?” said Nickelback.

7. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest known living person, told reporters that she is excited to celebrate her 116th birthday next month. Or, as her friends are referring to it, getting way ahead of herself.

8. On Sunday, Molly Schuyler, a 124-pound mother of four, ate three 72-ounce steaks, three baked potatoes, three side salads, three rolls and three shrimp cocktails in under 20 minutes to win a eating competition in Texas. And, just like that, Chris Christie has a running mate.

9. According to reports, billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch, the influential conservative donors, have settled on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as their top choice to win the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. The Koch brothers said the last time they had such a difficult choice determining which candidate to back, they ended up chosing Uday over Qusay.

10. According to a new study, consumption of chamomile tea was linked to a lower risk of thyroid cancer. Which is great news for librarians everywhere.

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