April 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kendall Schler, who was originally declared the winner of this year’s St. Louis Marathon on April 12, had her title taken away and was officially disqualified after it was discovered that she had cheated to win the race. Officials became suspicious when they noticed her name was Kendall and not Ndereba.

2. Actor Ben Affleck is facing controversy after reportedly asking producers of PBS’s genealogy show “Finding Your Roots” to exclude details about his ancestor’s embarrassing slave-owning past. Just like future generations of Affleck’s will ask similar shows to exclude any mention of their family’s embarrassing Gigli-making past.

3. On Friday, Univision announced its top-rated variety show “Sabado Gigante” will be going off the air after a record-breaking 53 years. So now, if you want to watch over-the-top characters, wearing too much make-up, yell incoherently about inconsequential things, you’ll have to watch “the View.”

4. Over the weekend, photos provided by state-run media showed North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un atop the country’s tallest mountain, claiming that the young leader had climbed the 2,750 meter peak himself. Sounds like someone’s trying to get in shape for bikini season.

5. On Friday, upon arrival at a house fire in Washington, emergency crews were surprised to discover the “Fire” and “Help” cries emanating from inside the home were coming from two parrots. The cause of the fire is still unknown, although considering someone had to teach those parrots the word “Fire,” I wouldn’t rule out arson.

6. Actors Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt plan to legally adopt a Syrian child before summer’s end. Said Syrian children, “Hurry up!”

7. A 29-year-old man from California was rushed to the hospital last week after tearing a tendon in his left thumb as a result of playing Candy Crush non-stop on his phone for 6-8 weeks. Considering he’s the type of guy who plays video games constantly, I’m guessing he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so, for his sake, let’s hope he’s right-handed.

8. UCLA basketball recruit Soso Jamabo was arrested early Sunday and charged with evading arrest, minor consumption of alcohol, minor in possession of alcohol, speeding, driving without possessing a driver’s license and disregarding a stop sign. He was also initially charged with giving police a false name.

9. Former Governor and FoxNews host Mike Huckabee said on Friday that he will make an announcement on May 5 about whether he will run for president in 2016. “You’re doing it backwards,” said Sarah Palin, “you run for president to get a show on FoxNews.”

10. On Friday, Microsoft unveiled touch-friendly Office apps that allow Windows phone users to work on Word, PowerPoint and Excel documents on their phones with touch commands and to transfer them easily between devices. The hard part is finding another person who has a Windows phone to transfer those documents to.

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