10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Wednesday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. So now it’s just a waiting game to see if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends him for one or two games.

2. An Apple iPad which belonged to Pope Francis sold for $30,500 at auction on Tuesday. And, according to Google autofill, the Holy Father has a thing for Asian chicks.

3. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has forgone privates jets in favor of driving to Iowa in a GMC van nicknamed “Scooby.” I don’t know who else is on the van, but she’s definitely the Velma of the group.

4. Kanye West surprisingly ended a free concert in Armenia yesterday by jumping into a nearby lake. Although, no one was more surprised than Kanye after he realized he couldn’t walk on water.

5. Last week, actor Ryan Reynolds was involved in a hit-and-run accident in Vancouver, but was luckily not seriously injured. To his credit, Reynolds said he was just happy to be involved in something that people considered a hit.

6. The White House is now letting employees use the restroom that is consistent with their gender identity. “Well, if Hillary wins, technically I will be the First Lady,” said Bill.

7. On Friday, the White House released tax forms revealing that President Obama and his wife Michelle earned $477,383 in 2013, a decline from the previous year. As opposed to Joe Biden’s income which rose in 2015 due to an increase in his allowance.

8. There are rumors that singer Justin Bieber is now dating reality star Kendall Jenner. He wears his jeans low, uses the n-word liberally and is now sleeping with a Kardashian, man, that kid really wants to be black.

9. A New York City woman accused of being married to eight men at the same time pleaded not guilty in state court on Friday to two counts of felony fraud that prosecutor’s say stemmed from a scheme to gain U.S. citizenship for grooms from countries red-flagged by the Department of Homeland Security. But, no, you’re right, letting gay people get married who ruin the sanctity of that institution.

10. Rapper Nelly was arrested on felony drug charges yesterday in Tennessee after cops pulled over his tour bus and found marijuana and meth onboard. Details of the incident are still fuzzy, like who’s meth was it? And why was Nelly touring?

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