April 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, a video surfaced online of ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry unlashing an ugly barrage of insults on a tow-truck employee. And, as far as internet videos of ESPN sideline reporters go, it is easily my second favorite.

2. Yesterday, former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced that he is running for the Democratic nomination for president. Or, as he will soon be known, Vince Foster II.

3. Researchers in Japan said on Thursday that oxytocin, a hormone that reinforces bonds between parents and their babies, increases in humans and their dogs when they interact. Although, if you’re running low on oxytocin, strategically placed glob of peanut butter works as well.

4. On Thursday, supermodel Gisele Bundchen retired from walking the runway after 20 years in the fashion business. I know she’s Brazilian, but I can think of nothing more American than saying you’re done with walking.

5. A proposal to make the Bible the official state book of Tennessee stalled in the state Senate on Thursday. So, at least for now, Tennessee’s official state book remains the menu at Waffle House.

6. “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards was arrested early Thursday morning on public intoxication charges after she refused to leave a hotel and later kicked a police officer in the leg. So, step up your game, other housewives.

7. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said if elected president he would “crack down and not permit” legalized marijuana. Which is a pretty savvy political move since you’d have to be high to vote for many of his competitors like Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.

8. A new study found, e-cigarette use among U.S. middle and high school students tripled in 2014, while actual cigarette use fell to a record low. According to experts, if this trend continues, by the time these kids reach college they will be dangerously uncool.

9. Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina said on Thursday if she were to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2016, she would neutralize Hillary Clinton’s rhetoric about becoming the first woman president. Not since the words on the top of the MetLife building have I seen such a big “If.”

10. Protestors angered by police violence against unarmed black men in the U.S. marched across New York’s Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday. So, problem solved.

11. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has forgone privates jets in favor of driving to Iowa in a GMC van nicknamed “Scooby.” The last time Hillary spent that much time in a van, it had shag carpet, Bill nicknamed it the ‘Shaggin’ Wagon’ and she ended up with Chelsea.

12. According to preliminary research, a sensitivity to gluten may cause a syndrome that could be mistaken for ALS. If that’s the case, there’s a strong argument that Lou Gehrig was actually the unluckiest man on the face of the Earth.

13. Last week, Rand Paul unveiled his presidential campaign slogan “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.” He settled on this motto after he couldn’t find a good rhyme for ‘laughing-stock.’

14. A New York City woman accused of being married to eight men at the same time pleaded not guilty in state court on Friday to two counts of felony fraud that prosecutor’s say stemmed from a scheme to gain U.S. citizenship for grooms from countries red-flagged by the Department of Homeland Security. Said the woman, “No, you’ve got it all wrong, I’m just a giant whore.”

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