April 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is April 15th, the last day to file your federal income taxes. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about this, maybe you shouldn’t be using this stupid website to get all your news.

2. An Apple iPad which belonged to Pope Francis sold for $30,500 at auction on Tuesday. And, according to Google autofill, the Holy Father has a thing for Asian chicks.

3. Percy Sledge, singer of the R&B hit “When a Man Loves a Woman,” died yesterday at the age of 73. And, it looks like he took his own advice, since he’s survived by twelve children.

4. A 65-year-old mother of thirteen in Germany is pregnant with quadruplets. Making her birth canal the second most traveled path in Germany behind the Autobahn.

5. A musical based on the hit reality show ‘Duck Dynasty’ opens in Las Vegas today. So, if you like musicals and you like ‘Duck Dynasty,’ you’re lying about one of those things.

6. Nearly two dozen filmmakers have pulled out of the Istanbul Film Festival after the Turkish government prevented the screening of a film about Kurdish militants. Those who have seen the film said it is very similar to Seth Rogen’s ‘The Interview’ except this film is good.

7. A Los Angeles-bound Alaska Airlines flight made an emergency landing on Monday after it took off with a worker trapped in a cargo area under the cabin where he had fallen asleep. Man, I am so jealous of people who are able to sleep on planes.

8. According to Speaker of the House John Boehner, U.S. troops in Iraq should be doing more than training Iraqi solders in the fight against Islamic State militants. Because the best person to give a lecture on being more productive at work is a Congressman.

9. Artist Romero Britto is suing Apple claiming the tech giant stole his style of artwork in a recent marketing campaign. And Britto appears to have a valid argument since after he sells a painting he immediately starts working on a new painting that he will sell in four months that makes the previous painting look like shit.

10. Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips, currently in a jail in California, is suspected in the killing of his cellmate. Which is bad news for Phillips, and even worse news for Philips’s next cellmate.

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