April 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced his candidacy for president of the United States of America. Which is great news for anyone who’s ever thought, I wish the rest of the country were run more like Florida.

2. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has forgone privates jets in favor of driving to Iowa in a GMC van nicknamed “Scooby.” I don’t know who else is on the van, but she’s definitely the Velma of the group.

3. Kanye West surprisingly ended a free concert in Armenia yesterday by jumping into a nearby lake. Although, no one was more surprised than Kanye after he realized he couldn’t walk on water.

4. On Sunday, students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison completed a Rice Krispies treat weighing more than 5 1/2 tons. Proving that no matter where you go to college, the weed is pretty good.

5. Under a new promotion, customers who bring their Taco Bell receipt to McDonald’s before April 17 will get a free Egg McMuffin sandwich at participating locations in Pennsylvania. Not to be outdone, customers who keep that McDonald’s receipt will then get a free angiogram at Hahnemann University Hospital.

6. Last week, actor Ryan Reynolds was involved in a hit-and-run accident in Vancouver, but was luckily not seriously injured. To his credit, Reynolds said he was just happy to be involved in something that people considered a hit.

7. According to multiple sources, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel was released from a rehab facility over the weekend. And, judging from how he played last season, he should probably get used to be released.

8. According to a new study, people who eat more grilled cheese sandwiches tend to have more sex. Confirming suspicions that scientists have indeed run out of things to study.

9. A new study suggests, having a sense of purpose in life might help young women avoid sexually risky behavior. You can learn more about the study by watching any episode of ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians.’

10. On Sunday, German foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier refused to utter a bad word about Hillary Clinton, saying she had showed herself to be a strong partner for Europe. And you know Hillary is a bad bitch when even Germans are afraid of her.

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