April 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy for president in 2016 saying she is “hitting the road to Iowa to start talking directly with voters.” “I don’t know what Iowa voters did, but, from my experience, it’s never a good thing when Hillary says ‘we need to talk.’” said Bill.

2. Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul said on Sunday that Hillary Clinton’s time as Secretary of State casts doubt on her qualifications. Seems like a pretty savvy move for the one-term senator from Kentucky to bring up qualifications.

3. The White House is now letting employees use the restroom that is consistent with their gender identity. “Well, if Hillary wins, technically I will be the First Lady,” said Bill.

4. On Friday, the White House released tax forms revealing that President Obama and his wife Michelle earned $477,383 in 2013, a decline from the previous year. As opposed to Joe Biden’s income which rose in 2015 due to an increase in his allowance.

5. There are rumors that singer Justin Bieber is now dating reality star Kendall Jenner. He wears his jeans low, uses the n-word and is now sleeping with a Kardashian, man, that kid really wants to be black.

6. A New York City woman accused of being married to eight men at the same time pleaded not guilty in state court on Friday to two counts of felony fraud that prosecutor’s say stemmed from a scheme to gain U.S. citizenship for grooms from countries red-flagged by the Department of Homeland Security. But, no, you’re right, letting gay people get married who ruin the sanctity of that institution.

7. A blind man told a French court it was him, not his guide dog, who bit a drug dealer who tried to sell him fake marijuana. Asked why he was buying marijuana, the blind man said, “I have a really, really, really bad case of glaucoma.”

8. France is standing by its nominee to be ambassador to the Holy See, an official said on Friday, despite the Vatican’s failure to confirm his posting for more than three months, a delay that French media said is due to rumors that he is gay. Although, there is a chance that he’s just French.

9. Rapper Nelly was arrested on felony drug charges yesterday in Tennessee after cops pulled over his tour bus and found marijuana and meth onboard. Details of the incident are still fuzzy, like who’s meth was it? And why was Nelly touring?

10. Potential 2016 Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he wants to ban the use of selfie sticks. While Chris Christie, another potential presidential candidate, said he will campaign for longer selfie sticks so, for once, he’ll actually fit in a picture.

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