10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. He’s also selling unautographed copies for $2,000.

2. According to a report, the top 15 Republican presidential candidates combined own over 40 guns. Although, in reality that number is a little lower because Paul Ryan insisted on including his biceps in the count.

3. On Wednesday, the Better Business Bureau recommended that DirecTV discontinue its ad campaign featuring Rob Lowe because the satellite TV company couldn’t substantiate many of the claims being made in the commercials. So now, if you want to see a less successful version of Rob Lowe, you’ll have to rent an Emilio Estevez movie.

4. British company Ultrahaptics has developed a unique virtual reality technology that enables users to receive tactile sensations from invisible three dimensional objects floating in midair. That story again, a British company is giving people LSD.

5. A power line broke loose at an electrical substation near Washington D.C. on Tuesday leaving the White House in a state of total black-out. Or, as Secret Service agents thought of it, business as usual.

6. The first defense witness in the murder trial of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was a doctor who testified Monday that PCP can cause people to suddenly become violent. Apparently his lawyers are going with the rarely seen, it could have been worse defense.

7. It was reported yesterday that WalMart is refusing to display female UFC champion Ronda Rousey’s new memoir. So if you like the UFC and you shop at Walmart, let’s be honest, you’re not reading books.

8. FIFA presidential candidate Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein of Jordan demanded immediate change in the organization of soccer’s governing body in a manifesto he issued on Monday. Word of advice, if your last name is Hussein, maybe call it a memo.

9. Nevada’s famed Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with the prostitutes and rate their performance. It’s the perfect job for anyone who has ever wanted to have an STD named after them.

10. The New York MTA has put a subway train, that has been out of commission since 1917, back on the tracks today to take Yankee fans to the Bronx for Opening Day. Not to be outdone, the 7 train, which goes to the Met’s home stadium of Citi Field, will pause a little longer at each stop to ask fans “if they really want to do this.”

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