April 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a report, the top 15 Republican presidential candidates combined own over 40 guns. Although, in reality that number is a little lower because Paul Ryan insisted on including his biceps in the count.

2. On Wednesday, the Better Business Bureau recommended that DirecTV discontinue its ad campaign featuring Rob Lowe because the satellite TV company couldn’t substantiate many of the claims being made in the commercials. So now, if you want to see a less successful version of Rob Lowe, you’ll have to rent an Emilio Estevez movie.

3. According to a leaked memo, Apple executives no longer want long lines outside their stores when they release a new product. “Okay, okay, twist out arm, we’ll tell you how we do it,” said executives from BlackBerry.

4. A Florida man who kept an alligator in his house to nurse it back to health said he doesn’t understand why that would be illegal. Adding, “I did the same think with my dog. Speaking of which, where is my dog … Oh, dear God, no!”

5.  A woman in New York is claiming that she is being sued by her ex over custody of their dog in retaliation for his erectile dysfunction. Said the woman, “He’s always resented that Fido was able to fetch a bone.”

6. According to a new survey, golfer Rory McIlroy is more marketable than Tiger Woods. “I beg to differ,” said executives from Tinder.

7. Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign has already raised over $31 million dollars. I’m not saying his chances of becoming president are impossible, but I hope those donors kept their receipts.

8. Fast-food chain Burger King has agreed to sponsor the wedding of Joel Burger and Ashley King. Not to be outdone, the wedding of Tim Abercrombie to Kate Fitch is being sponsored by douchebags.

9. British Prime Minister David Cameron is taking criticism from the working class after being caught on camera eating a hotdog with a knife and fork. How quant, it’s usually a much different story if an American politician gets caught on camera doing something embarrassing with his hotdog.

10. British company Ultrahaptics has developed a unique virtual reality technology that enables users to receive tactile sensations from invisible three dimensional objects floating in midair. That story again, a British company is giving people LSD.

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