April 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A power line broke loose at an electrical substation near Washington D.C. on Tuesday leaving the White House in a state of total black-out. Or, as Secret Service agents thought of it, business as usual.

2. On Tuesday, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced his intentions to run for president in 2016. Locking-up the all-important Ron Paul vote.

3. Supporters of Republican presidential hopeful Rand Paul have the option of making donations to his campaign using the digital currency bitcoin. Because bitcoin, much like Rand’s chances of becoming president, is all make believe.

4. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. Because why should Rand Paul be the only one to waste money on a Rand Paul presidential campaign.

5. This week, a Brooklyn woman used Facebook to serve her husband with divorce papers. And, just to drive the point home, she also sent him a few Snapchat photos of her and her new ‘friend’ Steve.

6. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared his NCAA bracket with the Huffington Post on Sunday revealing that he correctly picked every game from the Elite Eight on. Although it should come as no surprise that the whitest guy in the world had Duke beating Wisconsin in the finals. I bet he picks that every year.

7. The lines at the mens restrooms at Wrigley Field were so long on Opening Night that many Cubs fans resorted to urinating in cups. The bathroom attendant adopted the Cubs’ yearly motto telling patrons to ‘Wait Till Next Year.’

8. An Argentinean man was found dead last week after having vigorous sex with a scarecrow outfitted with a strap-on. “This is one time I’m happy I don’t have a brain,” said the scarecrow.

9. The lyrics to Don McLean’s “American Pie” sold at auction for $1.2 million on Tuesday. Whoever bought them is gonna be pretty pissed when he finds out that for $7.99 he could have just bought a CD that had the lyrics in the liner notes.

10. Under a recently approved bill in Kansas, welfare recipients will be unable to use money they received from the state to buy tattoos, lingerie or alcohol or go to the movies, strip clubs or casinos. Said poor people, “Hello, Nebraska.”

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