April 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first defense witness in the murder trial of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was a doctor who testified Monday that PCP can cause people to suddenly become violent. Apparently his lawyers are going with the rarely seen, it could have been worse defense.

2. Starbucks said on Monday it will offer employees full tuition at Arizona State University’s online program for free. Whereupon graduation, the only job they’ll be qualified for is working at a Starbucks.

3. It was reported yesterday that WalMart is refusing to display female UFC champion Ronda Rousey’s new memoir. So if you like the UFC and you shop at Walmart, let’s be honest, you’re not reading books.

4. On Monday, the New York Times reported that likely Republican presidential contender Jeb Bush marked himself as “Hispanic” on a 2009 voter registration application. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bushes were Hispanic, they have a large family, consisting of many family members who were evicted from their home after four or eight years, can’t pronounce simple English words like ‘nuclear’ and enjoy clearing brush.

5. Facebook has complied with a Turkish court order demanding it restrict access to certain content or face its service being blocked. And, if that content is pictures of people’s kids or what they ate for lunch, I’m moving to Turkey.

6. FIFA presidential candidate Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein of Jordan demanded immediate change in the organization of soccer’s governing body in a manifesto he issued on Monday. Word of advice, if your last name is Hussein, maybe call it a memo.

7. A group of anonymous artists erected a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden in Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn overnight. But, if I know anything about New York City parks after dark, that statue wasn’t the only thing erected.

8. The University of Virginia fraternity at the center of Rolling Stone’s retracted article “A Rape on Campus” said on Monday it planned to sue the magazine. Adding, “Do you know who my father is!?!”

9. Dubai has unveiled plans for a Hunger Games-themed amusement park. Or, for free, you can just go to Detroit.

10. Obese people are better at detecting the scent of chocolate. This according to, what I assume was, a hilarious study.

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