1. Nevada’s famed Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with the prostitutes and rate their performance. It’s the perfect job for anyone who has ever wanted to have an STD named after them.
2. Florida Governor Rick Scott has proclaimed April “Distracted Driver Awareness Month.” To get the word out, Scott has put up a bunch of brightly-colored, roadside billboards.
3. President Obama met with top leaders of the Mormon church last week. The group was able to immediately bond over the shared belief that Mitt Romney is really weird.
4. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham said the U.S. should put off signing a nuclear agreement with Iran until after the 2016 election, adding that Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton could get a better deal. I wasn’t worried about Iran developing and using a nuclear weapon, but then I heard a Republican compliment a Democrat and now I’m sure the end is near.
5. New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said last week, despite being charged with corruption, he’s not going anywhere. Which either means he plans on fighting the charges or he got caught behind New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
6. Two Chinese pandas have broken a record for the longest known panda sex session at nearly eight minutes. “I need a new job,” said the guy in charge of timing it.
7. The New York MTA has put a subway train, that has been out of commission since 1917, back on the tracks today to take Yankee fans to the Bronx for Opening Day. Not to be outdone, the 7 train, which goes to the Met’s home stadium of Citi Field, will pause a little longer at each stop to ask fans “if they really want to do this.”
8. Singer Nicki Minaj posted a video of a crying boy who calmed down once he placed his head on her chest. Child rearing experts are calling Minaj a natural and the boy a fucking genius.
9. The parents of a six-year-old Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking say he has cut down to five cigarettes a day. Although the odds of him reducing his habit anymore is not likely since he likes to have a cigarette or two with his baba.
10. Thirty-one people were arrested near the University of Kentucky after the school’s previously undefeated men’s basketball team was knocked out of the NCAA tournament by the University of Wisconsin Saturday night. The last time residents of Kentucky were this upset over a loss at the hands of people from Wisconsin, Lincoln was president.