April 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Matthew McConaughey is reportedly getting paid $135,000 to speak at the University of Houston. No word on how much they’ll have to pay him to get him to shut up.

2. Gary Dahl, the inventor of the pet rock, died yesterday. He is survived by a lot of very disappointed kids.

3. According to cyber security experts, HillaryClinton.org, a website that is not affiliated with the likely 2016 presidential candidate, contains malicious software that will infect all visitors. Said Bill, “It may not be affiliated with her, but it’s a pretty accurate representation of knowing her.”

4. The 13 large, illuminated letters that read “Yankee Stadium” and sat atop the house that Ruth built in New York failed to sell at auction on Thursday after not reaching the minimum price of $300,000. No surprise, the Yankees have a habit of overvaluing old and useless junk, right A-Rod?

5. Singer Pharrell Williams visited his new wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in New York City yesterday. Pharrell also stopped by the wax figurine of fellow Voice castmast Cee-Lo, which, it turned out, was actually an oversized statue the brown M&M.

6. According to a new report, Facebook’s software can track users even after they quit the social media site. Even creepier, a month after quitting, Facebook shows up outside your bedroom window, holding a boombox over its head, blaring Peter Gabriel.

7. According to a new report, Facebook’s software can track users even after they quit the social media site. Which is ironic, because most people use Facebook to track an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend after they called it quits.

8. On Thursday, online home-rental marketplace AirBnB announced that it is now offering properties for rent in Cuba. As a result, they have changed their name to RaftBnB.

9. A new guide for airport security urges TSA agents to look for whistling, recently shaved beards and excessive yawning. Which is bad news for the Seven Dwarfs, especially Sleepy.

10. According to a new study, older men who exercise more have better erectile function. This according to that creepy old dude at your gym who hangs out around the elliptical machine.

11. Misao Okawa, the world’s oldest person, died at the age of 117 on Wednesday. Her last words were reportedly, “Finally.”

12. A small pizza shop in Indiana told a local TV station that it will support the state’s recently passed religion law by refusing to cater gay weddings. Which is kinda like Steven Seagal saying he would refuse to accept an Oscar.

13. According to a new study, children who had sipped alcohol by the sixth grade were five times more likely to have a full drink by the time they were in high school. Said drunk teenagers, “Joke’s on you, I didn’t even make it to high school.”

14. On Friday, NBC announced that it’s bringing back the 90s sitcom ‘Coach.’ “I have a few possible storylines, if anyone’s interested,” said Jerry Sandusky.

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