April 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Senator Rand Paul said he doesn’t think he’s ever used the term “gay rights.” Which is kinda like bragging that you still use a BlackBerry.

2. The Rolling Stones have announced a new 15-city U.S. stadium tour. The Stones have almost exclusively played stadiums since the construction of the Colosseum.

3. Cynthia Lenon, John Lennon’s first wife, died yesterday that the age of 75. She is most known for not breaking-up the Beatles.

4. The Sacramento Kings are set to sign Sim Bhullar, making him the first player of Indian descent to ever play in the NBA. “Oh, how interesting, a new type of person to hate,” said Donald Sterling.

5. A Palestinian man was lamenting his misfortune on Wednesday after selling his bombed-out door for $175 without realizing the image painted on it was by Banksy and worth much more. Even worse news for the man who lives in an area so dangerous that bombs are bing dropped, he no longer has a door.

6. Alexander Bradley, a former friend of Aaron Hernandez, testified on Wednesday that he saw the ex-Patriot with a gun similar to the one used in the murder in question. And, in future news, Alexander Bradley is dead.

7. With the recent death of 117-year-old Misao Okawa, 116-year-old Gertrude Weaver of Arkansas is now the world’s oldest person. Coincidentally, she is also the world’s youngest Gertrude.

8. President Obama launched a sanctions program on Wednesday aimed at individuals outside the country that use cyber attacks to threaten the U.S. The first target, who’s ever in charge of those Adobe Acrobat updates.

9. According to a new study, obese children have taste buds that are less likely to detect fats than those of leaner kids. Man, even their taste buds are lazy.

10. As an April Fools joke, the South African president’s office sent out a press release yesterday announcing new cabinet appointments for positions that do not exist, which was then reported as fact by the local media. “I guess I gotta look for another new job now,” said South African Nightly News anchor Brian Williams.

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