April 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Just twenty-four hours after being named the next host of “the Daily Show,” comedian Trevor Noah came under fire for old tweets that were offensive to overweight women and Jews. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance?” said Craig Kilborn.

2. According to a new study, children who had sipped alcohol by the sixth grade were five times more likely to have a full drink by the time they were in high school. The study was conducted by asking Dina Lohan some questions.

3. Yesterday, a coyote was spotted on a rooftop in Queens, New York. Coyotes are notorious for targeting wounded prey, which, in Queens, can mean only one thing, it’s almost baseball season.

4. Scientists say that two of the most destructive and invasive termite species in Florida are cross-breeding and producing super termites. Said Floridians, “What’s cross-breeding?”

5. On Tuesday, the Spanish government announced that illegal immigrants will be able to get free primary healthcare coverage. Not to be outdone, the U.S. government announced that illegal immigrants will be able to get free one-way plane tickets to Spain.

6. According to a new study, the number of people going to U.S. emergency rooms for constipation is on the rise. When asked for comment, one such individual said, “Someone’s in here!”

7. On Tuesday, New England Patriot owner Robert Kraft testified that accused murderer Aaron Hernandez “swore on his baby’s life” that he was innocent. Which, I’m assuming, the baby took as a threat.

8. The White House announced this week that President Obama will make his first trip to Kenya this July. Although it was weird that they used air-finger quotes when saying ‘first.’

9. According to a new study, an increase in infertility amongst fish may be caused by trace amounts of birth control entering sewage systems. Or maybe, just maybe, some fish aren’t too psyched about having sex with other fish that have been rolling around in sewage.

10. Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon on Tuesday asked the governor of Arkansas to veto a religious freedom measure, saying the bill undermines “the spirit of inclusion” in the state. McMillon quickly retracted his comment once he remembered what state he was talking about.

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