March 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two former DEA agents are being charged with wire fraud and money laundering after allegedly stealing Bitcoins during a recent federal investigation. The agents either stole the equivalent of $33 million or nothing.

2. After President Obama speaks at Hill Air Force Base in Utah on Friday, the Commander-in-Chief will have visited every state but South Dakota while in office. Which may have something to do with South Dakota’s state motto, “South Dakota, if you’ve already seen North Dakota, why bother?”

3. Many viewers of the iHeart Radio Music Awards which aired on Sunday night took to social media to complain about a controversial joke that host Jamie Foxx made about Bruce Jenner. Which is ridiculous, as anyone who’s seen “White House Down” or Booty Call” can tell you, there are much better reasons to be angry at Jamie Foxx.

4. A Turkish Airlines flight was diverted on Monday after a note with the word “bomb” written on it was found in the lavatory. But, if we had to shut everything down anytime evidence of a bomb was discovered in a bathroom, Starbucks would never be open.

5. Festo, a German technology company, said that 3D printed bionic ants, the size of a human hand, could work in the factories of the future. Germany, bringing your nightmares to life since 1912.

6. According to a new study, due to pesticides, men who eat more fruits and vegetables, tend to have lower sperm counts. So yeah, that’s probably a banana and only a banana in his pocket.

7. On Monday, the NFL fined the Atlanta Falcons $350,000 for piping in artificial crowd noise during home games last season. The New York Jets did the same thing, but weren’t fined, after it was determined that the fake crowd noise was still people booing the Jets.

8. A new study shows that a 45 minute nap around noon can enhance a person’s memory. So now you’ll never forget when you got fired from work for sleeping in the middle of the day.

9. In what many see as a sign that Marco Rubio will announce his intentions to run for president in 2016, the Florida Senator has reserved the Freedom Tower in downtown Miami on April 13th. Said both Rubio supporters and detectors, “I hope he takes the leap.”

10. In a recent interview, actor Vin Diesel said the upcoming ‘Fast and Furious 7’ movie will win the Oscar for the year’s best picture. Adding, “Unless, of course, literally any other movie comes out this year.”

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