March 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Shayanna Jenkins, the fiancee of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez who now stands accused of murder, testified that she remembered seeing a gun “in the kitchen junk drawer.” Although, at that point, I think you can call it the gun drawer.

2. Last week, the Oprah Winfrey television network announced that it will produce a reality show about a man who has 34 children with 17 different women. That story again, the O Network is gonna start airing NBA games.

3. The first U.S. penny, which is 223 years old, sold for nearly $1.2 million dollars last week. Not since Rob Reiner’s wedding day has someone overvalued a Penny by that much.

4. A 32-year-old Arizona woman has been arrested for allegedly exposing her breasts to several guests at a bar-mitzvah party before engaging in oral sex with a 15-year-old boy. Apparently she misunderstood when the Rabbi said it was time for the Hora.

5. According to research, mothers who are overweight before pregnancy and those who gain too much weight while pregnant are more likely to have obese seven-year-olds. While men who tell pregnant women they are gaining too much weight are more likely to have black-eyes.

6. According to a new study, eyeliner applied on the inside of the eyelash is very likely to move into the eye itself and cause problems. So take note, women and Russell Brand.

7. According to a new memo, the Secret Service has issued new guidelines on the consumption of alcoholic beverages and the operation of government issued vehicles. Said the memo, “Don’t.”

8. Mayor Rahm Emanuel is reportedly considering renaming one of Chicago’s airports after President Obama. Said Emanuel, “I think it’s an idea everyone can get behind, in fact, I even heard some Republicans talking about Obama’s estimated time of departure.”

9. According to research, the collapse of the universe will happen sooner than expected. Because, apparently, Kim Kardashian has been making some progress on the Rubik’s Cube.

10. A new device modeled after the Keurig coffee machine has been developed that makes instant Jell-O shots. “Where have you been all my life?” said Bill Cosby.

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