March 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was announced that the next season of the wildly popular PBS series “Downton Abbey” will be its last. Said the executive producer, “Now that Zayn’s no longer in One Direction, what’s the point of anything anymore?”

2. Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper scented cologne. “Finally, the days of buying four Whoppers and using one to dab behind my ears, are behind me,” said Chris Christie.

3. Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper scented cologne. Begging the question, how bad do you normally smell if smelling like a Whopper is preferable?

4. A couple was arrested in Florida for having sex next to a playground in the middle of the day. So, yeah, they swing.

5. A man in Minnesota, recovering from surgery, won $7 million from a lottery ticket he received in a Get Well card. And, in related news, the man who sent that card just checked into the hospital.

6. Sam Taylor-Johnson, the director of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” told on Thursday that she will not return to direct the sequel. Actually, she just said her agreed upon safety word which, of course, means she’s out.

7. On Thursday, Pope Francis made a surprise personal visit to 150 homeless people who were on a special tour of the Sistine Chapel. The Pope said he felt very comfortable in their presence because he’s used to people asking for change from the Church.

8. Police are looking for two women who stole more than $2,000 worth of merchandise from a T.J. Maxx store. The women as said to be armed and extremely poorly dressed.

9. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which consists of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. Leaving fans who eat the item, much like the Brewers themselves, scrambling to get home in time.

10. Britain issued new guidance on Tuesday for doctors treating severely and terminally ill children, strongly advising that children’s owns views on whether they want to live or die should be taken into account. Because sometimes kids don’t know what “terminally” means.

11. Two Maryland high school students have been accused of using Twitter to cheat on standardized tests. Teachers became suspicious when the students answered every question with “I love you @JustinBieber, please follow back.”

12. On Monday, actor Vin Diesel revealed that he named his new daughter after his late “Fast & Furious” co-star Paul Walker. Like every casting director in Hollywood, Diesel settled upon Walker after Ryan Gosling turned him down.

13. On Friday, the World Health Organization said the most widely-used weed killer, Monsanto’s Roundup, can “probably” cause cancer. But, in Monsanto’s defense, their company slogan is “We Cause Cancer.”

14. According to a new report, installing sobriety tests in all new cars to prevent drunk drivers from starting the engine could help avoid 85 percent of alcohol-related deaths on U.S. roads. In an unrelated story, Billy Joel has starting stocking up on classic cars.

15. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. So great news, you’re just 60 years away from getting a new museum, Ferguson.

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