March 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President George W. Bush will be in Dallas all this week raising money for his brother Jeb’s presidential run. So, if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, be sure to stop by George’s lemonade stand.

2. According to research, seventy minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. As a result, the researchers have been given wedgies and stuffed into their lockers.

3. Yesterday, singer Zayn Malik announced that he is quitting the wildly popular boy-band One Direction. Malik said he made the decision after getting some good advice from Pete Best.

4. Ketchup maker Heinz is acquiring a majority stake in Kraft Foods to create the third-largest North American food company. Fourth, if Chris Christie ever becomes incorporated.

5. On Wednesday, a bill that would make physician-assisted suicide legal for terminally ill patients in California passed through the state Senate. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

6. According to research, typing text messages, scrolling web pages and checking emails on your smartphone may be changing the way your thumbs and brain interact. Which may explain why some movie critics gave “Mortdechai” two thumbs up.

7. Major League Baseball said on Wednesday it was investigating whether Miami Marlins pitcher Jared Cosart discussed sports betting with an alleged gambler on Twitter. If found guilty, Cosart could be sentenced to up to five more years pitching for the Marlins.

8. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which will consist of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. This marks the biggest breakthrough in nacho-related technology since the nacho cheese hat.

9. This week, Taco Bell introduced a new breakfast menu item called biscuit tacos. You know, traditional Mexican food.

10. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Charlotte Hornets and the Los Angeles Clippers will play two pre-season games in China next year. The exhibition games will give Chinese kids the thrill of watching the basketball shoes they made in action.

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