March 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes (Ted Cruz edition)

1. On Monday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a speech at Liberty University announcing his intentions to run for president, a speech that students were required to attend. Because nothing says liberty like mandatory attendance.

2. Following his Monday announcement that he will run for president, Senator Ted Cruz released his first official campaign video. Which means this week we got two videos from guys named Cruise/Cruz about impossible missions.

3. On Tuesday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz, who has vowed to repeal “every word” of the Affordable Care Act, told CNN that he intends to sign up for Obamacare while he runs for president. Yeah, sometimes these things don’t even need a punchline.

4. The U.S. Park Service is reportedly considering using dogs to chase away Canadian geese that drop up to three pounds of poop a day on the National Mall. Between these geese and Ted Cruz, it’s been a big week for Canadians who clog up D.C. with useless crap.

5. According to a new Reuters poll, fictional TV presidents like Frank Underwood of “House of Cards,” David Palmer of “24,” and Jed Bartlet of “The West Wing” all have higher job approval ratings among U.S. voters than President Obama. Said President Obama, “You know Frank Underwood killed a guy, right?”

6. Two years after she underwent a double mastectomy to cut her cancer risk, actress Angelina Jolie has had surgery to remove her ovaries and fallopian tubes for the same reason. “I’ll take ‘em,” said Bruce Jenner.

7. On Monday, actor Vin Diesel revealed that he named his new daughter after his late “Fast & Furious” co-star Paul Walker. This way Diesel doesn’t have to try to remember a new name.

8. According to a White House press release, President Obama and his former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton met on Monday behind closed doors. Said Bill Clinton, “A behind closed door meeting? I invented that move!”

9. George Zimmerman says he holds a grudge against President Obama, accusing him of needlessly inflaming racial tensions around the Trayvon Martin case. Also raising tensions around the Trayvon Martin case, shooting Trayvon Martin.

10. The Vatican said on Tuesday that homeless people will get a special private tour of its museums and the Sistine Chapel. Because there’s nothing homeless people like more than seeing large, enclosed areas that are protected from the elements and hardly being used.

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