March 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Todd Jones, the director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced that he will be stepping down on March 31 to take a job with the NFL. Said Jones, “I was spending so much of my time dealing with NFL players it just made sense to start working with the directly.”

2. NFL owners voted on Monday to suspend the league’s local TV blackout policy for the 2015 season. “Oh good, I’m so sick of blacking-out,” said players’ wives.

3. Three and a half decades after calling for homosexuals to be stoned, former Bob Jones University President Bob Jones III has apologized. Said Jones, “Thirty-five years later, I realize my thinking was very un-evolved, we have guns now.”

4. Robert Durst, the real estate heir awaiting extradition to California to face a murder charge, was denied bail on Monday after a judge deemed him a likely flight risk. Which is bad news for Durst and even worse news for people hoping for a second season of “the Jinx.”

5. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said he is okay if likely humber one pick Jameis Winston stays home instead of attending the upcoming draft Chicago. “We second that,” the women of Chicago.

6. Broadway is getting its first lesbian lead character when “Fun Home,” an award-winning musical, opens next month. Which means I owe Annie a big apology.

7. Scientists have genetically engineered a new type of potato that does not bruise. “That sounds like a challenge,” said Chris Brown.

8. On Monday, thieves broke into an apartment in England and stole 38 python snakes. And you gotta feel bad for the owner of that apartment, because you know things aren’t going well when thugs break into your home and realize the most expensive thing they can steal is a bunch of snakes.

9. Recently, Mitt Romney said his biggest campaign mistake in 2012 was not communicating well with minorities. Specifically, when he tried to do so, he always began those conversations with “And now I’m going to communicate with some minorities.”

10. On Friday, singer Pharrell Williams gave a speech at the United Nations urging immediate action on the issue of climate change. But, I guess he wasn’t that convincing since not even one delegate turned their chair around.

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