March 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. People are paying up to $1,000 to play with finger paints and Play-Doh at an adult preschool in Brooklyn. But, for just $1,000 more, you can get the exact same experience and a degree from Florida State University.

2. According to a new study, people can be so turned off by obese individuals that they actually imagine a bad smell. Said Chris Christie, “That’s not your imagination, that’s just New Jersey.”

3. On Friday, magician David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop pool burst, flooding his apartment and the apartments of neighbors beneath him. Because, as Claudia Schiffer can tell you, nothing good comes from being under David Copperfield.

4. For the first time in the history of the ‘Star Wars’ franchise, composer John Williams will not score the next film in the series. Said ‘Star Wars’ fans, “Not scoring? We always knew he was one of us.”

5. Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, is expected to announce his intentions to run for president in 2016 today. Thus locking up the all-important Canadian vote.

6. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. Because if there are two things the people of Mississippi love it’s tolerance and museums.

7. Hastily buried in 1485 following his death at the Battle of Busworth under what would eventually become a parking lot, King Richard III was reburied on Sunday. “The food at the first funeral was better,” said Larry King.

8. Over the weekend, the field of 64 college basketball teams was whittled down to just 16 remaining teams. “Wait, they already started playing the games?” said the secretary leading your office pool.

9. According to a new study, getting sufficient sleep is vital for healthy sexual desires in women. Which, I assume, means Sleeping Beauty was a freak.

10. A new study found that dogs respond positively to the chemical oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. Which is great news for depressed dogs and terrible news for your leg.

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