1. Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said on Thursday that his company will soon offer upgrades including hands-free staring it its Model S sedan. “Wait, my car doesn’t already have that? That explains a lot.” said Billy Joel.
2. According to reports, Senator Rand Paul will declare his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on April 7th. Although, considering his chances, April 1st seems more appropriate.
3. According to rumors, Al Gore is considering a run for president in 2016. He already has a campaign slogan, which was Bill Clinton’s favorite saying while in office, “Don’t Tell Hillary.”
4. Earlier this week, a flight from Washington D.C. to Denver was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger ran up and down the aisle telling, “Jihad! Jihad!” But, in that man’s defense, the inflight movie was “Mortdecai.”
5. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. No arrests have been made, but authorities would like to talk to Walmart employee No Teeth Joe.
6. BlackBerry unveiled its newest smartphone yesterday that was designed by Porsche and costs nearly $2,000. It’s a great way to let people know you have a tiny penis even when you’re not driving your Porsche.
7. According to a new study, a simple vision test using a stopwatch and flashcards can help parents and coaches diagnose young athletes with concussions. The way it works is, if your kid can’t tell the difference between the stopwatch and the flashcards, he has a concussion.
8. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just haven’t had any reason to celebrate.
9. On Sunday, in response to the upcoming documentary film about Scientology, the church released a letter saying the movie has “at least one major error every two minutes.” Which means the upcoming Brian Williams bio-pic will have to come up with a new tag line.
10. CNN is set to air an exclusive interview with Britain’s Prince Charles this week. So if you’re interested in watching an out-of-touch and behind the times institution that no longer serves a relevant purpose, it will be interviewing Prince Charles this week.